Originally posted 11/7/07
Welcome to the final minion interview.
S: How did you become a minion?
M: As you know, it begin with Boris meeting you in the Saginaw Barnes and Noble. He told us all about you, and what can I say? I’m a follower.
S: If you were not a minion, what would you be?
M: I always thought my life would be a dangerous thing. I saw myself stopping logging in the rainforest or fighting human trafficking.
S: Are you saying being my minion isn’t dangerous?
M: Don’t look at me like that. You get soft. You know you get soft. Vasily . . . he blame it on your biological clock, say you ready for husband and babies, but I think he is wrong.
S: You are right about that much. But not about being soft though. I’m fierce.
M: I haven’t picked up a weapon in months. Not my preference.
S: Looking for violence, are you? Tell you what, Thanksgiving is coming up. I’ll send you to the mall on Black Friday, perhaps request some coffee syrups from the Coffee Beanery.
M: No, not the mall. Can’t I beat up rapist like respectable minion?
S: You’re in luck because I hear rapists have to go to the mall, too. I know. Rapists giving out Christmas gifts. It’s a bit like the Grinch volunteering at the homeless shelter.
M: I hate you.
S: You love me. There’s no use in denying it. Now describe your ideal woman.
M: Finally, a question I like. My ideal woman would be not stuck up but very intelligent and very lovely. She would care for others.
S: Very nice. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
M: I’d have more weapons, first of all. My sword is in need of repair.
S: The world, Mikhail, not your life. And it’s not my fault your sword got run over by a semi. I didn’t leave it in the middle of Main Street.
M: Fine. If I could change one thing about the world, I would want everyone to be more sensitive to the feelings of others.
S: Stop looking at me like that.
M: I not looking at you any particular way.
S: Moving along. Boxers or briefs?
M: Boxers. Briefs is not for manly men.
S: And do you believe in psychics?*
M: No, but I want to be one. What other job pay you to be eccentric?
S: Minionhood? Televangelism?
M: I suppose.
S: Do minions dress up for Halloween?*
M: Yes! We love Halloween. This year I be Freddy Kruger. Last year, a killer bunny. The year before that, a headless horseman. Is too much fun!
S: Are there any special Ukrainian mafia holidays?*
M: The big ones are Ukrainian Baptist Quilting Day and Ukrainian Baptist Beat Up Rapists Day.
S: Mikhail. You know I know you’re making this up.
M: Maybe they should be holidays.
S: Who is your favorite character from Friends?**
M: Veronica Mars.
S: Wrong show, Mikhail.
M: I only be in this country five years. Be nice.
S: So, do those jeans make Lynette look fat? ***
M: Funny, I was just thinking how lovely Lynette is looking. She is perfect sitting at her computer with her jeans. Beautiful woman.
S: And can you come whisk Lynette away to some exotic weekend getaway?***
B: Whoa! That is dangerous question. I know my brother, Vasily, is very fond of Lynette, and he is waiting until she is ready for him. I love my brothers very much. We would die for each other. (Pause.) And for you, of course, Stacy.
S: I never doubted it. Thank you so much for letting me interview you, Mikhail.
Thank you all for tuning into the final minion interview. Remember, if you find any rapists, please let Mikhail know. He is eager to do some violence.
*Question from Sarakastic
**Question from Allie
***Question from Lynette
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