Originally posted 5/28/07
Today’s interview is with Vasily. Vasily is thirty years old and was born in Kiev. He was the last of the Ukrainian Baptist Mafia to move to the US. Vasily likes fencing, boxing, reading GQ, American Idol, singing in the shower, collecting antique swords and daggers, and reading Proust.
S: How did you become a minion?
V: Like Ivan, it was because of Boris. The day Boris met you at the Saginaw Barnes and Noble, he say he found his mission in life and that it was to promote the Ukrainian Baptist way of life. He came home talking about Ukrainian Baptist festivals and National Ukrainian Baptist Awareness Day. It was quite a sight to behold.
S: Boris does get very animated when he’s planning. I think his Ukrainian Baptist Heritage Ball was quite a success.
V: Yes, but I be very lonely at the Heritage Ball.
S: I know; I’m sorry. Things will be better next year.
V: Maybe. What is the use of being sexy minion if you cannot get the woman you want?
S: Good question. Perhaps we can let the readers answer that one. So, if you were not a minion, what would you be?
V: I work as journalist for a while, but my looks became much distraction. I question people and then have to wait for them to stop drooling and saying how handsome I am before they can answer questions. I try going undercover, but my looks made this completely impossible. Then jealous people say my English bad. Bad? Ay, what a mess. If I have to go find a new career now, I think I would be model. Maybe for Gap; my butt look very nice in their jeans. Or I might model for romance novels. I also look very nice without my shirt.
S: While we’re on the topic of your handsomeness, I have a question from Trish: Are you allowed to admit you are handsome if you are postmodern?
V: I never say I postmodern. I say I like talking about postmodernism. I like talking about deep ideas. I like this like I enjoy long walks on the beach, roaring fires, and candlelit dinners.
S: Are you still writing that personals ad? Never mind. Have you ever considered usurping me?
V: Not until you became Presbyterian. Now we all thinking about it.
S: You’re plotting already? I’ve been a Presbyterian for a grand total of eight days.
V: That eight days too long.
S: I thought you were happy that I joined my church. Was it an excuse to rebel? I’ll have you know that Presbyterians are a great deal like Slavic Baptists.
V: How?
S: Well . . . both like Calvinism and both pray unusually long prayers.
V (sitting up very straight): Very long prayers? Like your father pray?
S: Just like Dad’s prayers, but in English. Remember last Thanksgiving when my dad prayed before the meal?
V: And Ivan started snoring!
S: I’m still amazed my parents believed Mikhail when he said Ivan had narcolepsy.
(At this point in the interview, both Stacy and Vasily laugh until they have to wipe tears away.)
V: I think The Future Mayor know the truth.
S: There’s no fooling Jessica; she knew. Okay, we’re really off-subject. I have another question from Trish. How do you feel about the use of hair products in the Bush administration*?
V: Condi has very nice hair. The rest of them. . . I design line of hair products for them.
S: Now, everyone wants to know: boxers or briefs?
V: Boxers. Sexy minions do not wear tighty whiteys.
S: Amen to that. So, how do you feel about forty-something almost-divorced women from Texas**?
V: I feel that once these forty-something almost-divorced women finalize these divorces, they should get my phone number.
S: I guess this means you are over Sarakastic then?
V: I did believe Sara was my soulmate, but sadly I discovered that the lovely Miss Sara feels differently.
S: I’m sorry. I know how you feel about her.
V: She’s a very lovely woman. She will make some man very happy. I just hope he’ll be a Ukrainian-Baptist man.
S: Lynette is also a lovely woman, and she deserves a good Ukrainian-Baptist man. Tell me, would you move to Texas for her?
V: I do not know. Would I have to wear big cowboy hat?
S: I don’t know. Would you like to?
V: Very much. Does Lynette have big hat?
S: I doubt it. I think she’s a New Englander at heart.
V: Oh.
S: While we’re on the subject of locations, have you ever considered moving to Colorado***?
V: You try to get rid of me?
S: No. I like having you around, but I would appreciate it if you stopped eating my ice cream.
V: Boris eat your ice cream. I have to fit into leather pants.
S: So, it must have been your evil twin I saw digging into the Haagan Daaz caramel cone the other day?
V: Yes.
S: Okay, then. Thank you very much for the interview.
V: You’re welcome. So when is Lynette single?
Well, my minions and I are off to a Memorial Day picnic. We have the important duty of bringing the hot dogs. Here’s my random question of the day: Why are some hot dogs in the grocery store labeled “franks” while others are labeled “wieners.” Are franks beef-based while wieners are pig-based? (I’d Google this if I wasn’t afraid of what kind of results I might get.)
Oh, and Lynette? When you’re officially single, you can contact Vasily at hot_vasily_1311 @ yahoo . com.
* Question from Trish
** Question from Lynette
*** Question from JenKneeBee
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