Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Minion Movie Club: Eclipse

Summary: In the third Twilight movie, Edward is back in Forks, and Bella and Edward are back together. The good news of this is that Bella is no longer trying to go off and die alone in the wilderness, and the bad news is Edward is back.

As usual, Forks, Washington is full of supernatural activity. Villainous Victoria is back, though we’re not sure she ever left; angsty newborn vampires are forming an army; and the Volturi are in town, with Dakota Fanning misplacing her normally impeccable acting skills.

On a more personal level, Bella has grown a bit more backbone since the last Twilight film. Edward continues to be stuck in an era where women are property. Alice continues to be annoying. Jasper finally gives up on that creepy staring thing he did in the previous two films. Victoria robs the cradle. Jacob still hasn’t learned how to put on a shirt. Jacob has an epiphany, realizing that Bella likes creepy, overpossessive men and determines to become one. Will he succeed in winning Bella’s heart with his new bad behavior?

Movie Night Menu:

Boris’s famous homemade pizza (for everyone but Vasily who was having a fat day)
Salad
Chocolate fondue and fruit (everyone but Vasily)
Peeps (Dom only)
Pinot Noir (Boris, Mikhail, Stacy)
Crystal Light and vodka (Vasily)
Vodka (Ivan and Dom)

Reviews:

Boris: I’m a little confused as to why every supernatural being is obsessed with Bella, but aside from that, I liked it. 4/5
Dom: $&*^$&^!!!!*
Ivan: There is not enough vodka in the world. 0/5
Mikhail: When watching a Twilight film, it’s a given that there won’t be much complexity there. However if one goes in merely expecting to be entertained, then it is a successful film. It has more fight scenes than the previous films, and I liked it for that. 3/5
Stacy: What did I learn from Eclipse? Camping with werewolves is safer than camping with vampires. 3/5
Vasily: Vampire battles! Pretty ladies! 5/5!

*Boris translates Dom’s review: I was hoping for more bloodshed, but it was fine. Pass the Peeps. 2/5

Friday, April 22, 2011

Ivan on Vasily and Candyland

On Tuesday, something terrible happened. Vasily learned of the existence of the game Candyland. You might be asking, “Who hasn’t grown up with Candyland?” I’ll tell you: People who grew up in Ukraine, and because of it, we’re better than you.

I digress. Vasily was online when he began shrieking. We all went running into the room because, from the sound of it, he had trapped himself under the futon again, and Boris, Mikhail, and Stacy were going to go to his rescue, and I was going to take pictures to upload to facebook.

Unfortunately for me and my camera, Vasily was not trapped under the futon. He was staring at a webpage in disbelief. “Is it true?” he demanded of Stacy.

She frowned at the page, which featured a board game for sale. “Is Candyland true? There’s no such place, but it is a game.”

“And everything is candy? Houses? Streets? Forests?”

“In the game, yes.”

A monster was then born. I wish I could tell you Vasily dashed out to Target and bought his own copy of Candyland. That would have been tolerable. I might have even played a game with him let him play a game with Boris without comment. But no, he dashed out to Target and bought 90 boxes of Peeps. Stacy was greatly displeased when she learned he’d used her credit card for this.

What does one do with 130 boxes of Peeps? He builds a castle, of course, which happens to be in the middle of the living room. He has constructed it very carefully –pink Peep, yellow Peep, pink Peep, yellow Peep- and he has created everything but the tower as he doesn’t plan to buy more Peeps until they go on sale after Easter. He has also added some Hershey’s Kisses for “bling” (his wording, not mine, in case you’re not smart enough to pick up on that). It hasn’t attracted bugs yet, but it’s only a matter of time.

For the time being, Stacy is ignoring the pink and yellow marshmallow castle in the middle of her living room, as well as the fact that Vasily has dragged his sleeping bag into it, so the castle is never unguarded. As for me, I am grateful that Dom gets out of rehab next week. If I inject a select few Peeps with vodka, that llama will eat the entire thing in ten minutes.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Boris on Minionhood and Sacrifice

We frequently get asked why we chose to become minions. While we’ve always acknowledged that this is a good question, and assure people that it was the best decision we’ve ever made, it wasn’t until August of 2009 that we truly pondered the possibility that we might be crazy.

Picture this. Stacy and the Future Mayor getting home after a few days in South Haven, in robust Slavic good spirits, LEADING A WHISKEY SWILLING LLAMA BY A LEASH. As Ivan has stated (many, many times), “We should have ran for it.”

How Minions’ Lives Are Ruined

Minionhood has always involved weaponry, vodka drinking, and lengthy discussions about the merits of various Joss Whedon shows, but now it involves something new: Caring for an ill-tempered drunken llama by the name of Dom Perignon. Why are we caring for this sloppy, moody creature?

“Isn’t she cute?” Stacy asked, clapping her hands together like a child.

Really, we want a better reason than that. In a few minutes, I have to check and see if Dom has done her business anywhere she shouldn’t, and I desperately need a better reason.

As many have noted on Stacy’s new blog, we minions have been quiet lately, and that is because we have been busy caring for a llama for the last year and two months. Llama care does not allow for bloggy celebrity, but if you ever need to borrow a copy of Llama Care for Beginners, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Llama Care, or Keep That Damn Llama Alive, Fourth Edition, we’ve got you covered.

But then we’ve always heard that minionhood involves self-sacrifice and taking the path less often traveled. We just never expected to travel this road with a llama. So join us. Join the llama. Who knows what the future has in store?

Coming next week on The Ukrainian Baptist Mafia is Not Amused: Ivan on why you will never convince him to love or tolerate his fellow man.

The Girl’s Guide to Minions, Revised and Updated for the 2010 Reader

I am the leader of minions. This tends to surprise some people. After all, I’m a 32-year-old average looking female with a very average income. I don’t own a private jet, belong to any secret societies, date men who are wanted in multiple countries, and I have never in my life blown up a building. So why would four strapping Slavic men (a.k.a. the Ukrainian Baptist Mafia) follow me around, doing my bidding?

A better question might be, why wouldn’t they?

The how and when and why aren’t important here. I have over five years of experience in minion care and maintenance, and today I would like to share what I’ve learned with you.

The Minion FAQ

Q: How do I know if I need minions?

Well, no one really needs minions, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have them. Assuming you are worthy to rule, of course. How do you know if you are worthy? There are a few key questions you need to ask yourself.

Are you a person worth following? Deciding the answer will require a good deal of self-reflection and humility, but is necessary as no one wants to follow the girl who spends all her time on the couch. Think about what you stand for, what you have to offer the world. If someone asked you what your mission is, could you answer them? Your mission can be anything from feeding the hungry to ridding the world of Twilight fan clubs, but you must believe in it wholeheartedly and must be able to make others believe as well.

What do you have to offer your minions? Yes, your minions serve you, but never forget that you also serve your minions. As the leader of the Ukrainian Baptist mafia, I always have to be sensitive to my minions. When Vasily asks me if his butt looks fat in his leather pants, I always tell him no. When Boris eats the very last granola bar (a weekly occurrence) I pretend not to notice. When Mikhail rents Love Story EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND and then sobs into my throw pillows, getting his snot all over the embroidered silk, I bring him a bowl of ice cream. And then the next morning, I toss out the throw pillows. I’ve gone through quite a few of them. (Note to self: Add throw pillows to Christmas wish list.)

Can you afford minions? I don’t mean to sound elitist, but you have to accept that you will have to take some –if not all- financial responsibility for your minions. They will never be surgeons. Not because they aren’t smart enough -because every good minion is as intelligent as your average neurosurgeon- but because minionhood and medical school do not mix. There is too much sacrifice in being a minion for extensive schooling to ever be a possibility. Now, don’t look down upon minions because they rarely finish college. Mine are extraordinarily bright. Ivan once made a quilt while blindfolded. (Hey, I never said they weren’t weird.) Vasily has read all of Remembrance of Things Past in French. Boris makes the world’s best lasagna.

Q: If I get minions, how do I know that power won’t corrupt me?

You can’t know. No one can truly know, and if you think you do, you’re probably wrong.

There is a way to prevent corruption, but it’s pretty extreme. In 1352, the Agreement for Minion Honour was drafted in . . . well, no one really knows where it was drafted or by whom, only that it began in England in 1352. If one signs this agreement, they agree that their minions can kill them if they sink into a dishonorable state. Throw a Slurpee at the paparazzi? Your minions can kill you for that. Try to take over a country while dressed in last season’s shoes? They can kill you for that too.

Q: I’m trying to impress a special guy. Can I have my friends pretend to be my minions?

No.

Every circle of friends has its loudmouth. You will get caught. Even if you are the group loudmouth, you’re still not safe. Chances are, someone will be upset because of something you said about them on national television, and they will see this as their opportunity for revenge.

Q: Can I get my minions from Minions R Us? They are having a buy one, get one half off special right now

Absolutely not.

First of all, are you aware that when Minions R Us offers one at half off, they mean this quite literally? Also, there’s no guarantee that you’ll get the half of the minion which contains the brain. Secondly, the minions at Minions R Us are not real minions. Real minions are volunteers and cannot be purchased.

Do you know what kind of people run Minions R Us? The kind of people who invite Dick Cheney to their dinner parties. And Cheney actually goes because he’s too scared to do otherwise. When Dick Cheney is frightened of a capitalist, you know you’re dealing with Pure Evil.

As for the so-called minions at Minions R Us, they are hardworking individuals lured from their home countries by the promise of well-paying factory jobs in the States that will allow them to send money back to their dying parents in the home country. Instead, they find themselves locked into small warehouses with hundreds of other so-called minions until they get sold to silly airheads who think they’d look so much cuter with an entourage.

Any other questions about Minions R Us? I didn’t think so. Moving on:

Q: Okay, so Minions R Us is out. Where can I find good minions?

Probably not the classifieds.

Since your minions will follow because of your cause, you will find your minions due to your cause. Passionate about becoming a Jedi Master? You might find your minions browsing Circuit City for the Star Wars boxed DVD set or perhaps at a convention.

Q: So if you didn’t get your minions from Minions R Us, why are they foreign born?

Because they were born in Ukraine, you idiot. When they became my minions, three of the Ukrainian Baptist mafia already had their US citizenship, and one (Vasily, if you must know) was in the process of getting it.

My minions and I had very different upbringings, it is true. I grew up in the American Midwest in the eighties, playing with My Little Ponies. My minions grew up in Soviet Ukraine playing with. . . uh. . . Minions! What did you do in Soviet Ukraine in the eighties? Ah yes, of course. They say they sold their little brother to buy an Atari on the black market. (That better be a joke, Ivan.)

Q: Why do you lead the Ukrainian Baptist Mafia if you aren’t Baptist?

Well, someone needs to lead them!

I’ve tried (and tried and tried) to get the minions to leave the Baptist church, but they cannot find another denomination that supports them in their mission to assault innocent strangers with fire and brimstone tracts. This is VERY important to them!

Q: How is Ivan even allowed in a Baptist church, given how much vodka he drinks?

I haven’t a clue. I can only assume that somewhere out there, some Baptist deacon considers Ivan to be his personal ministry and prays nightly for his soul.

Q: So, what do your minions look like?

Why? I don’t see how that is relevant to this discussion. Okay, fine. You want to know? I’ll show you, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. My minions are such a frightening bunch that gentle ladies have been known to faint at the mere sight of them. The Ukrainian Baptist mafia looks like this.

Thank you for tuning into this educational session. Please, if you have any questions about minions, please post them here.

Archives: The Minion Interviews - Boris

Originally posted on 3/4/07 on an earlier blog.

I’ve been somewhat surprised to find how interested people are in my minions -as were my minions- so I asked them if they would be wiling to do interviews, and they have consented to do so. Due to the fact that they are now regularly stopped on the street, and asked, “Aren’t you that one minion?” I think they are looking for an opportunity to discuss their mysterious lives once and for all, free of all the drama that comes with their new celebrity status.

Today’s interview is with Boris. Boris is twenty-seven years old and the youngest of the Ukrainian-Baptist mafia. He was born in Kiev and likes boxing, fencing, reading Kant, and making lasagna (usually the lasagna is made to impress cute little blondes).

S: How did you become a minion?

B: Well, I tried many, many things when I first came to America. I tried to be a biologist, but in the very first biology class I took, I found they expected me to dissect this unborn pig. How do you call it? Ah yes, fetal pig. I told them this was disgusting, and I would not do it. So I changed my major to accounting, but this was tedious, so I dropped out.

S: So, dropping out of WMU led you to become a minion?

B: Indirectly, yes. After I dropped out of college, I traveled to Saginaw because that is a city where the depressed peoples of the world truly belong.

S: Not when Jessica takes over.

B: This is true, but at this time, prior to Jessica even dreaming of becoming the future mayor, unhappy people belonged in Saginaw. While I was in Saginaw being a very sad Boris, I went to their Barnes & Noble. There I found this girl writing in a notebook. I sensed that she was plotting to take over the world, and I knew immediately that the world would be a better place once she did.

S: I was actually doing my linguistics homework. I was thinking of taking over the world though. On to our next question: Boxers or briefs?

B: Boxer briefs. They give me the best of both worlds, though I did get a nice pair of boxers for Christmas. They are silver and very shiny. If I ever have to wear tin foil on my head as protection against telepathic aliens, my boxers will match my headgear.

S: Or if you ever wear one of those Viking helmets.

B: I like those very much.

S: Now, are you really allergic to Republicans?

B: No, not all of them. Could I really belong to a Ukrainian-Baptist mafia if I was allergic to all Republicans?

S: Good point.

B: I like many Republicans. Like your mother. Now, there is a good woman who knows how to make a very delicious vareniky. No, I’m only allergic to the people who listen to Jerry Falwell. I suspect it’s Falwell I’m truly allergic to, and it is merely a secondhand allergy with his minions.

S: So minions can be allergic to other minions?

B: It appears so.

S: So, what is your world famous lasagna recipe?

B: Ha! I will take that secret to the grave. Not that I expect to do much lasagna preparation in the grave, but I will take it to the grave just the same.

S: Well, thank you for answering my questions today. Oh, and by the way, I WILL get that lasagna recipe.

Tomorrow’s interview will be with Ivan.

Archives: The Minion Interviews - Ivan

Originally posted 3/21/07

For anyone who may be new to our program, I happen to be the leader of four minions, the Ukrainian Baptist Mafia. Information on my minions can be found here. Recently, I began interviewing my minions since the blogosphere is so fascinated by them. My interview with Boris can be found here.

Today’s interview is with Ivan. Ivan is twenty-eight years old, and he was born in Kiev. Ivan enjoys tae kwon do, quilting, moody poets (Byron is his favorite), and sitting in dark rooms brooding. I’m happy to announce that Ivan is also single and looking!

S: How did you become a minion?

I: It was Boris’s fault.

S: Would you care to elaborate on that?

I: No.

S: Okay then. If you were not a minion, what would you be*?

I: A poet. I like to write about the rivers of Ukraine in winter.

S: So, you like to write about ice?

I: Pretty much. It is a topic that fascinates me very much.

S: Uh huh. So, have you or any of the other minions considered usurping me*?

I: Is that Sara woman trying to get me killed with these questions?

S: Probably. Let’s move on to the next question. Do you have a minion brother?

I: You’ve never told anyone that Mikhail, Boris, Vasily, and I are all siblings?

S: Must have slipped my mind. I did post my portrait of the four of you a couple months ago. I guess I thought people would’ve noticed the resemblance.

I: Well, you definitely didn’t get the artistic talent in your family. No offense.

S: Hey! Wasn’t it you who complained that you can’t cross the street without being recognized since I posted that picture?

I: I, uh, don’t remember. So, Sara’s question! Yes, I have three brothers. I also have a sister in Ukraine.

S: Are you jealous that Boris gets all the women*?

I: Who says he gets all the ladies? There’s a lot of women in this world and many like silent, brooding types. I’m told that I’m very mysterious.

S: I’ll agree with that. So, what are your pet peeves*?

I: Interviews.

S: Besides that?

I: People who don’t say “please” or “thank you,” self-absorbed women, Vasily’s snoring, Desperate Housewives reruns.

S: Is it true that holodetz** (sp?) is an aphrodisiac***?

I: What?!

S: Don’t look at me. The Future Mayor wanted to know.

I: Yes, it is a huge turn on, but only for men who like garlic breath, knitting, cellulite, and Celine Dion. Generally, it is not a huge hit with the vampires.

S: She’ll be disappointed. She likes vampires. Especially ones named Spike.

I: Those are the worst kind.

S: I know that. Boxers or briefs?

I: Neither, and that’s all I’ll say on the matter.

S: What a note to end on. You’re really leaving them with something to think about. Well, thank you Ivan for taking the time for this interview. And for doing it without the aid of vodka! I’m very proud of you.

I: Does this mean a raise?

S: No.

I: D_____ it!


Our next minion interview will be with Vasily who is a bit more loquacious than Ivan. If you have any questions for Vasily, please post them as comments. Thank you!

* Questions from Sarakastic.

** Holodetz is a salty, garlicky jellied meat. This blogger’s parents as well as the parents of The Future Mayor enjoy eating this on holidays. My sister, during her single days, was known to test the devotion of her admirers by seeing if they would be brave enough to eat of the holodetz. One of these admirers happened to marry her even after the coerced holodetz consumption, and this blogger believe that says a lot about his determination and his character.

***Question from The Future Mayor.

Archives: The Minion Interviews - Vasily

Originally posted 5/28/07

Today’s interview is with Vasily. Vasily is thirty years old and was born in Kiev. He was the last of the Ukrainian Baptist Mafia to move to the US. Vasily likes fencing, boxing, reading GQ, American Idol, singing in the shower, collecting antique swords and daggers, and reading Proust.

S: How did you become a minion?

V: Like Ivan, it was because of Boris. The day Boris met you at the Saginaw Barnes and Noble, he say he found his mission in life and that it was to promote the Ukrainian Baptist way of life. He came home talking about Ukrainian Baptist festivals and National Ukrainian Baptist Awareness Day. It was quite a sight to behold.

S: Boris does get very animated when he’s planning. I think his Ukrainian Baptist Heritage Ball was quite a success.

V: Yes, but I be very lonely at the Heritage Ball.

S: I know; I’m sorry. Things will be better next year.

V: Maybe. What is the use of being sexy minion if you cannot get the woman you want?

S: Good question. Perhaps we can let the readers answer that one. So, if you were not a minion, what would you be?

V: I work as journalist for a while, but my looks became much distraction. I question people and then have to wait for them to stop drooling and saying how handsome I am before they can answer questions. I try going undercover, but my looks made this completely impossible. Then jealous people say my English bad. Bad? Ay, what a mess. If I have to go find a new career now, I think I would be model. Maybe for Gap; my butt look very nice in their jeans. Or I might model for romance novels. I also look very nice without my shirt.

S: While we’re on the topic of your handsomeness, I have a question from Trish: Are you allowed to admit you are handsome if you are postmodern?

V: I never say I postmodern. I say I like talking about postmodernism. I like talking about deep ideas. I like this like I enjoy long walks on the beach, roaring fires, and candlelit dinners.

S: Are you still writing that personals ad? Never mind. Have you ever considered usurping me?

V: Not until you became Presbyterian. Now we all thinking about it.

S: You’re plotting already? I’ve been a Presbyterian for a grand total of eight days.

V: That eight days too long.

S: I thought you were happy that I joined my church. Was it an excuse to rebel? I’ll have you know that Presbyterians are a great deal like Slavic Baptists.

V: How?

S: Well . . . both like Calvinism and both pray unusually long prayers.

V (sitting up very straight): Very long prayers? Like your father pray?

S: Just like Dad’s prayers, but in English. Remember last Thanksgiving when my dad prayed before the meal?

V: And Ivan started snoring!

S: I’m still amazed my parents believed Mikhail when he said Ivan had narcolepsy.

(At this point in the interview, both Stacy and Vasily laugh until they have to wipe tears away.)

V: I think The Future Mayor know the truth.

S: There’s no fooling Jessica; she knew. Okay, we’re really off-subject. I have another question from Trish. How do you feel about the use of hair products in the Bush administration*?

V: Condi has very nice hair. The rest of them. . . I design line of hair products for them.

S: Now, everyone wants to know: boxers or briefs?

V: Boxers. Sexy minions do not wear tighty whiteys.

S: Amen to that. So, how do you feel about forty-something almost-divorced women from Texas**?

V: I feel that once these forty-something almost-divorced women finalize these divorces, they should get my phone number.

S: I guess this means you are over Sarakastic then?

V: I did believe Sara was my soulmate, but sadly I discovered that the lovely Miss Sara feels differently.

S: I’m sorry. I know how you feel about her.

V: She’s a very lovely woman. She will make some man very happy. I just hope he’ll be a Ukrainian-Baptist man.

S: Lynette is also a lovely woman, and she deserves a good Ukrainian-Baptist man. Tell me, would you move to Texas for her?

V: I do not know. Would I have to wear big cowboy hat?

S: I don’t know. Would you like to?

V: Very much. Does Lynette have big hat?

S: I doubt it. I think she’s a New Englander at heart.

V: Oh.

S: While we’re on the subject of locations, have you ever considered moving to Colorado***?

V: You try to get rid of me?

S: No. I like having you around, but I would appreciate it if you stopped eating my ice cream.

V: Boris eat your ice cream. I have to fit into leather pants.

S: So, it must have been your evil twin I saw digging into the Haagan Daaz caramel cone the other day?

V: Yes.

S: Okay, then. Thank you very much for the interview.

V: You’re welcome. So when is Lynette single?

Well, my minions and I are off to a Memorial Day picnic. We have the important duty of bringing the hot dogs. Here’s my random question of the day: Why are some hot dogs in the grocery store labeled “franks” while others are labeled “wieners.” Are franks beef-based while wieners are pig-based? (I’d Google this if I wasn’t afraid of what kind of results I might get.)

Oh, and Lynette? When you’re officially single, you can contact Vasily at hot_vasily_1311 @ yahoo . com.

* Question from Trish
** Question from Lynette
*** Question from JenKneeBee