Originally posted on 3/4/07 on an earlier blog.
I’ve been somewhat surprised to find how interested people are in my minions -as were my minions- so I asked them if they would be wiling to do interviews, and they have consented to do so. Due to the fact that they are now regularly stopped on the street, and asked, “Aren’t you that one minion?” I think they are looking for an opportunity to discuss their mysterious lives once and for all, free of all the drama that comes with their new celebrity status.
Today’s interview is with Boris. Boris is twenty-seven years old and the youngest of the Ukrainian-Baptist mafia. He was born in Kiev and likes boxing, fencing, reading Kant, and making lasagna (usually the lasagna is made to impress cute little blondes).
S: How did you become a minion?
B: Well, I tried many, many things when I first came to America. I tried to be a biologist, but in the very first biology class I took, I found they expected me to dissect this unborn pig. How do you call it? Ah yes, fetal pig. I told them this was disgusting, and I would not do it. So I changed my major to accounting, but this was tedious, so I dropped out.
S: So, dropping out of WMU led you to become a minion?
B: Indirectly, yes. After I dropped out of college, I traveled to Saginaw because that is a city where the depressed peoples of the world truly belong.
S: Not when Jessica takes over.
B: This is true, but at this time, prior to Jessica even dreaming of becoming the future mayor, unhappy people belonged in Saginaw. While I was in Saginaw being a very sad Boris, I went to their Barnes & Noble. There I found this girl writing in a notebook. I sensed that she was plotting to take over the world, and I knew immediately that the world would be a better place once she did.
S: I was actually doing my linguistics homework. I was thinking of taking over the world though. On to our next question: Boxers or briefs?
B: Boxer briefs. They give me the best of both worlds, though I did get a nice pair of boxers for Christmas. They are silver and very shiny. If I ever have to wear tin foil on my head as protection against telepathic aliens, my boxers will match my headgear.
S: Or if you ever wear one of those Viking helmets.
B: I like those very much.
S: Now, are you really allergic to Republicans?
B: No, not all of them. Could I really belong to a Ukrainian-Baptist mafia if I was allergic to all Republicans?
S: Good point.
B: I like many Republicans. Like your mother. Now, there is a good woman who knows how to make a very delicious vareniky. No, I’m only allergic to the people who listen to Jerry Falwell. I suspect it’s Falwell I’m truly allergic to, and it is merely a secondhand allergy with his minions.
S: So minions can be allergic to other minions?
B: It appears so.
S: So, what is your world famous lasagna recipe?
B: Ha! I will take that secret to the grave. Not that I expect to do much lasagna preparation in the grave, but I will take it to the grave just the same.
S: Well, thank you for answering my questions today. Oh, and by the way, I WILL get that lasagna recipe.
Tomorrow’s interview will be with Ivan.
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