I am the leader of minions. This tends to surprise some people. After all, I’m a 32-year-old average looking female with a very average income. I don’t own a private jet, belong to any secret societies, date men who are wanted in multiple countries, and I have never in my life blown up a building. So why would four strapping Slavic men (a.k.a. the Ukrainian Baptist Mafia) follow me around, doing my bidding?
A better question might be, why wouldn’t they?
The how and when and why aren’t important here. I have over five years of experience in minion care and maintenance, and today I would like to share what I’ve learned with you.
The Minion FAQ
Q: How do I know if I need minions?
Well, no one really needs minions, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have them. Assuming you are worthy to rule, of course. How do you know if you are worthy? There are a few key questions you need to ask yourself.
Are you a person worth following? Deciding the answer will require a good deal of self-reflection and humility, but is necessary as no one wants to follow the girl who spends all her time on the couch. Think about what you stand for, what you have to offer the world. If someone asked you what your mission is, could you answer them? Your mission can be anything from feeding the hungry to ridding the world of Twilight fan clubs, but you must believe in it wholeheartedly and must be able to make others believe as well.
What do you have to offer your minions? Yes, your minions serve you, but never forget that you also serve your minions. As the leader of the Ukrainian Baptist mafia, I always have to be sensitive to my minions. When Vasily asks me if his butt looks fat in his leather pants, I always tell him no. When Boris eats the very last granola bar (a weekly occurrence) I pretend not to notice. When Mikhail rents Love Story EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND and then sobs into my throw pillows, getting his snot all over the embroidered silk, I bring him a bowl of ice cream. And then the next morning, I toss out the throw pillows. I’ve gone through quite a few of them. (Note to self: Add throw pillows to Christmas wish list.)
Can you afford minions? I don’t mean to sound elitist, but you have to accept that you will have to take some –if not all- financial responsibility for your minions. They will never be surgeons. Not because they aren’t smart enough -because every good minion is as intelligent as your average neurosurgeon- but because minionhood and medical school do not mix. There is too much sacrifice in being a minion for extensive schooling to ever be a possibility. Now, don’t look down upon minions because they rarely finish college. Mine are extraordinarily bright. Ivan once made a quilt while blindfolded. (Hey, I never said they weren’t weird.) Vasily has read all of Remembrance of Things Past in French. Boris makes the world’s best lasagna.
Q: If I get minions, how do I know that power won’t corrupt me?
You can’t know. No one can truly know, and if you think you do, you’re probably wrong.
There is a way to prevent corruption, but it’s pretty extreme. In 1352, the Agreement for Minion Honour was drafted in . . . well, no one really knows where it was drafted or by whom, only that it began in England in 1352. If one signs this agreement, they agree that their minions can kill them if they sink into a dishonorable state. Throw a Slurpee at the paparazzi? Your minions can kill you for that. Try to take over a country while dressed in last season’s shoes? They can kill you for that too.
Q: I’m trying to impress a special guy. Can I have my friends pretend to be my minions?
No.
Every circle of friends has its loudmouth. You will get caught. Even if you are the group loudmouth, you’re still not safe. Chances are, someone will be upset because of something you said about them on national television, and they will see this as their opportunity for revenge.
Q: Can I get my minions from Minions R Us? They are having a buy one, get one half off special right now
Absolutely not.
First of all, are you aware that when Minions R Us offers one at half off, they mean this quite literally? Also, there’s no guarantee that you’ll get the half of the minion which contains the brain. Secondly, the minions at Minions R Us are not real minions. Real minions are volunteers and cannot be purchased.
Do you know what kind of people run Minions R Us? The kind of people who invite Dick Cheney to their dinner parties. And Cheney actually goes because he’s too scared to do otherwise. When Dick Cheney is frightened of a capitalist, you know you’re dealing with Pure Evil.
As for the so-called minions at Minions R Us, they are hardworking individuals lured from their home countries by the promise of well-paying factory jobs in the States that will allow them to send money back to their dying parents in the home country. Instead, they find themselves locked into small warehouses with hundreds of other so-called minions until they get sold to silly airheads who think they’d look so much cuter with an entourage.
Any other questions about Minions R Us? I didn’t think so. Moving on:
Q: Okay, so Minions R Us is out. Where can I find good minions?
Probably not the classifieds.
Since your minions will follow because of your cause, you will find your minions due to your cause. Passionate about becoming a Jedi Master? You might find your minions browsing Circuit City for the Star Wars boxed DVD set or perhaps at a convention.
Q: So if you didn’t get your minions from Minions R Us, why are they foreign born?
Because they were born in Ukraine, you idiot. When they became my minions, three of the Ukrainian Baptist mafia already had their US citizenship, and one (Vasily, if you must know) was in the process of getting it.
My minions and I had very different upbringings, it is true. I grew up in the American Midwest in the eighties, playing with My Little Ponies. My minions grew up in Soviet Ukraine playing with. . . uh. . . Minions! What did you do in Soviet Ukraine in the eighties? Ah yes, of course. They say they sold their little brother to buy an Atari on the black market. (That better be a joke, Ivan.)
Q: Why do you lead the Ukrainian Baptist Mafia if you aren’t Baptist?
Well, someone needs to lead them!
I’ve tried (and tried and tried) to get the minions to leave the Baptist church, but they cannot find another denomination that supports them in their mission to assault innocent strangers with fire and brimstone tracts. This is VERY important to them!
Q: How is Ivan even allowed in a Baptist church, given how much vodka he drinks?
I haven’t a clue. I can only assume that somewhere out there, some Baptist deacon considers Ivan to be his personal ministry and prays nightly for his soul.
Q: So, what do your minions look like?
Why? I don’t see how that is relevant to this discussion. Okay, fine. You want to know? I’ll show you, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. My minions are such a frightening bunch that gentle ladies have been known to faint at the mere sight of them. The Ukrainian Baptist mafia looks like this.
Thank you for tuning into this educational session. Please, if you have any questions about minions, please post them here.
A better question might be, why wouldn’t they?
The how and when and why aren’t important here. I have over five years of experience in minion care and maintenance, and today I would like to share what I’ve learned with you.
The Minion FAQ
Q: How do I know if I need minions?
Well, no one really needs minions, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have them. Assuming you are worthy to rule, of course. How do you know if you are worthy? There are a few key questions you need to ask yourself.
Are you a person worth following? Deciding the answer will require a good deal of self-reflection and humility, but is necessary as no one wants to follow the girl who spends all her time on the couch. Think about what you stand for, what you have to offer the world. If someone asked you what your mission is, could you answer them? Your mission can be anything from feeding the hungry to ridding the world of Twilight fan clubs, but you must believe in it wholeheartedly and must be able to make others believe as well.
What do you have to offer your minions? Yes, your minions serve you, but never forget that you also serve your minions. As the leader of the Ukrainian Baptist mafia, I always have to be sensitive to my minions. When Vasily asks me if his butt looks fat in his leather pants, I always tell him no. When Boris eats the very last granola bar (a weekly occurrence) I pretend not to notice. When Mikhail rents Love Story EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND and then sobs into my throw pillows, getting his snot all over the embroidered silk, I bring him a bowl of ice cream. And then the next morning, I toss out the throw pillows. I’ve gone through quite a few of them. (Note to self: Add throw pillows to Christmas wish list.)
Can you afford minions? I don’t mean to sound elitist, but you have to accept that you will have to take some –if not all- financial responsibility for your minions. They will never be surgeons. Not because they aren’t smart enough -because every good minion is as intelligent as your average neurosurgeon- but because minionhood and medical school do not mix. There is too much sacrifice in being a minion for extensive schooling to ever be a possibility. Now, don’t look down upon minions because they rarely finish college. Mine are extraordinarily bright. Ivan once made a quilt while blindfolded. (Hey, I never said they weren’t weird.) Vasily has read all of Remembrance of Things Past in French. Boris makes the world’s best lasagna.
Q: If I get minions, how do I know that power won’t corrupt me?
You can’t know. No one can truly know, and if you think you do, you’re probably wrong.
There is a way to prevent corruption, but it’s pretty extreme. In 1352, the Agreement for Minion Honour was drafted in . . . well, no one really knows where it was drafted or by whom, only that it began in England in 1352. If one signs this agreement, they agree that their minions can kill them if they sink into a dishonorable state. Throw a Slurpee at the paparazzi? Your minions can kill you for that. Try to take over a country while dressed in last season’s shoes? They can kill you for that too.
Q: I’m trying to impress a special guy. Can I have my friends pretend to be my minions?
No.
Every circle of friends has its loudmouth. You will get caught. Even if you are the group loudmouth, you’re still not safe. Chances are, someone will be upset because of something you said about them on national television, and they will see this as their opportunity for revenge.
Q: Can I get my minions from Minions R Us? They are having a buy one, get one half off special right now
Absolutely not.
First of all, are you aware that when Minions R Us offers one at half off, they mean this quite literally? Also, there’s no guarantee that you’ll get the half of the minion which contains the brain. Secondly, the minions at Minions R Us are not real minions. Real minions are volunteers and cannot be purchased.
Do you know what kind of people run Minions R Us? The kind of people who invite Dick Cheney to their dinner parties. And Cheney actually goes because he’s too scared to do otherwise. When Dick Cheney is frightened of a capitalist, you know you’re dealing with Pure Evil.
As for the so-called minions at Minions R Us, they are hardworking individuals lured from their home countries by the promise of well-paying factory jobs in the States that will allow them to send money back to their dying parents in the home country. Instead, they find themselves locked into small warehouses with hundreds of other so-called minions until they get sold to silly airheads who think they’d look so much cuter with an entourage.
Any other questions about Minions R Us? I didn’t think so. Moving on:
Q: Okay, so Minions R Us is out. Where can I find good minions?
Probably not the classifieds.
Since your minions will follow because of your cause, you will find your minions due to your cause. Passionate about becoming a Jedi Master? You might find your minions browsing Circuit City for the Star Wars boxed DVD set or perhaps at a convention.
Q: So if you didn’t get your minions from Minions R Us, why are they foreign born?
Because they were born in Ukraine, you idiot. When they became my minions, three of the Ukrainian Baptist mafia already had their US citizenship, and one (Vasily, if you must know) was in the process of getting it.
My minions and I had very different upbringings, it is true. I grew up in the American Midwest in the eighties, playing with My Little Ponies. My minions grew up in Soviet Ukraine playing with. . . uh. . . Minions! What did you do in Soviet Ukraine in the eighties? Ah yes, of course. They say they sold their little brother to buy an Atari on the black market. (That better be a joke, Ivan.)
Q: Why do you lead the Ukrainian Baptist Mafia if you aren’t Baptist?
Well, someone needs to lead them!
I’ve tried (and tried and tried) to get the minions to leave the Baptist church, but they cannot find another denomination that supports them in their mission to assault innocent strangers with fire and brimstone tracts. This is VERY important to them!
Q: How is Ivan even allowed in a Baptist church, given how much vodka he drinks?
I haven’t a clue. I can only assume that somewhere out there, some Baptist deacon considers Ivan to be his personal ministry and prays nightly for his soul.
Q: So, what do your minions look like?
Why? I don’t see how that is relevant to this discussion. Okay, fine. You want to know? I’ll show you, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. My minions are such a frightening bunch that gentle ladies have been known to faint at the mere sight of them. The Ukrainian Baptist mafia looks like this.
Thank you for tuning into this educational session. Please, if you have any questions about minions, please post them here.
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