Archives: The Minion Interviews - Ivan

Originally posted 3/21/07

For anyone who may be new to our program, I happen to be the leader of four minions, the Ukrainian Baptist Mafia. Information on my minions can be found here. Recently, I began interviewing my minions since the blogosphere is so fascinated by them. My interview with Boris can be found here.

Today’s interview is with Ivan. Ivan is twenty-eight years old, and he was born in Kiev. Ivan enjoys tae kwon do, quilting, moody poets (Byron is his favorite), and sitting in dark rooms brooding. I’m happy to announce that Ivan is also single and looking!

S: How did you become a minion?

I: It was Boris’s fault.

S: Would you care to elaborate on that?

I: No.

S: Okay then. If you were not a minion, what would you be*?

I: A poet. I like to write about the rivers of Ukraine in winter.

S: So, you like to write about ice?

I: Pretty much. It is a topic that fascinates me very much.

S: Uh huh. So, have you or any of the other minions considered usurping me*?

I: Is that Sara woman trying to get me killed with these questions?

S: Probably. Let’s move on to the next question. Do you have a minion brother?

I: You’ve never told anyone that Mikhail, Boris, Vasily, and I are all siblings?

S: Must have slipped my mind. I did post my portrait of the four of you a couple months ago. I guess I thought people would’ve noticed the resemblance.

I: Well, you definitely didn’t get the artistic talent in your family. No offense.

S: Hey! Wasn’t it you who complained that you can’t cross the street without being recognized since I posted that picture?

I: I, uh, don’t remember. So, Sara’s question! Yes, I have three brothers. I also have a sister in Ukraine.

S: Are you jealous that Boris gets all the women*?

I: Who says he gets all the ladies? There’s a lot of women in this world and many like silent, brooding types. I’m told that I’m very mysterious.

S: I’ll agree with that. So, what are your pet peeves*?

I: Interviews.

S: Besides that?

I: People who don’t say “please” or “thank you,” self-absorbed women, Vasily’s snoring, Desperate Housewives reruns.

S: Is it true that holodetz** (sp?) is an aphrodisiac***?

I: What?!

S: Don’t look at me. The Future Mayor wanted to know.

I: Yes, it is a huge turn on, but only for men who like garlic breath, knitting, cellulite, and Celine Dion. Generally, it is not a huge hit with the vampires.

S: She’ll be disappointed. She likes vampires. Especially ones named Spike.

I: Those are the worst kind.

S: I know that. Boxers or briefs?

I: Neither, and that’s all I’ll say on the matter.

S: What a note to end on. You’re really leaving them with something to think about. Well, thank you Ivan for taking the time for this interview. And for doing it without the aid of vodka! I’m very proud of you.

I: Does this mean a raise?

S: No.

I: D_____ it!


Our next minion interview will be with Vasily who is a bit more loquacious than Ivan. If you have any questions for Vasily, please post them as comments. Thank you!

* Questions from Sarakastic.

** Holodetz is a salty, garlicky jellied meat. This blogger’s parents as well as the parents of The Future Mayor enjoy eating this on holidays. My sister, during her single days, was known to test the devotion of her admirers by seeing if they would be brave enough to eat of the holodetz. One of these admirers happened to marry her even after the coerced holodetz consumption, and this blogger believe that says a lot about his determination and his character.

***Question from The Future Mayor.